Towards a General Theory of Everything: Kings of Leon

What It Is We're Doing Here

This is a place where I post anything my friends and I feel is relevant to the music we like. The kind of music in question can be seen pretty easily by checking out the playlists posted. I post a playlist every month and regular record reviews. By regular I mean 'when I get the chance'.

It is my sincere hope that any reviews or commentary you read here will not remind you at all of reviews you can read in Rolling Stone or Pitchfork or NME or any number of other professional music reviewers.

Why? Because for the most part, those reviews are just really, really boring and they kill the fun of music. No one (aside from guys who write those reviews) sits around with their friends and mentions how 'the deeply melodic tempo shifts emanating from the counter-intuitive and soulfully rhythmic jazz fusion guitar lifts us to incomparable ...'

Incomparable heights of bullshit, maybe. Not gonna happen here. (I didn't tell you this, but I still visit Pitchfork every day, but only for the articles, yeah.)

It would be a lie if I said there will be respect for a variety of musical tastes here, there will be no such thing. Some music, no matter how popular it is, just sucks. That doesn't mean this is a haven of indie rock snobbery by any means. There's plenty of well-regarded indie shit out there that is just fucking awful. Grizzly Bear, I'm pointing at you and nodding my head.

Really there are no limits to the kind of music we'll listen to, so anything goes. Forward on anything worthy that has not been discussed in enough detail.

If we miss something newsworthy or get something wrong, let us know. If you agree or disagree with an opinion here, let us know. It will not change said opinion, but you will probably feel better than if you kept it in. So go ahead.

How I Rate Music

When I post my thoughts on a record, I use the standard 1-5 stars format for a couple of reasons: 1) It works just as well as anything else and 2) Most people use an iPod, I rate my songs on my iPod, the iPod has a 1-5 star ratings system and therefore it's a common language to both of us.

Here is how I define my ratings:

5 Stars: Totally awesome. A great song. Permanent favorite. Think 'Fans' by Kings of Leon (before the hairstylists), 'Mahgeeta' by MMJ, 'Fight Test' by the Flaming Lips, that sort of thing. A rare rating, though.

4 Stars: Very good. I'll listen to this song again and again, I'm happy I bought it, I will refer to it in conversation as 'one of the songs I like on that album'.

3 Stars: Just OK. Nothing wrong here, it's just not that memorable and maybe if I listened to it three or four times I'd like it, but if it was really that good, I shouldn't have to, so that brings us full circle and therefore it is 'Just OK'.

2 Stars: Irritating. A bad song. This rating means something is really wrong here, and perhaps we should sit down.

1 Star: A sin against music. Why did you record this? Do you not have any friends who listened to this with you and said 'Wow, this is incredibly, incredibly bad'? This is the kind of song that totally pisses me off when I hear it.

A few songs almost automatically fall into 1 or 2 star category, in particular the trend gaining popularity with bands to once again put one minute snippets of music or horrible noise on an album. Spiritualized, I am talking to YOU. 'Harmony 6 (Glockenspiel)'? I mean, fuck you.

How I Make Playlists

Any 4 or 5 star song usually ends up on a monthly playlist. If an album is so good that it has more than three or four songs that warrant being added to a playlist (ie Windmill, Deer Tick), I'll space the songs out and put them on a subsequent month's playlist.

Playlists are generally 35 songs or so. Any more than that and you'll just never listen to some of them, any less and you'll just get bored because there's not enough music. I realize this makes no sense, I really just needed an arbitrary cutoff, so 35 it is.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

52. “Fans” by Kings of Leon (2007)

The less I knew about these guys, the better it was. I swear I have no issue with these cats being heartthrobs, getting huge mainstream exposure, playing arenas and being on the cover of bad magazines. I do have an issue with teased hair, cheesy songs about sex that is on fire (Ok, it’s a guilty pleasure, I have to admit), shitty live shows at huge London arenas and shitty performances on Austin City Limits. I’m not about to waste this space with some sort of proclamation that this is just a boy band that happens to play rock n roll. At least half of this band, including the lead singer heartthrob guy (Caleb), is very talented and has a knack for crafting a kick ass song. We’ve been through this before but, in short, they are too damn perty for their own good.

That said, “Fans” is a great song that has nothing to do with teenie screams or Motley Crue hair styles. I believe Dr. Midnight claimed that Scott Muni would have approved of this jam and I could envision hearing this one on a drive-at-five rock block on 102.7 WNEW, circa 1987, with Muni’s raspy, Lucky Strike-damaged voice saying, “Yyyyes, the KINGS…getting it done for you on this drive…at five…out of Nashville…in Tennessee. Another tasty biscuit on N-E-W, New York.”

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Most Awesomest: Kings of Leon

Those Kings of Leon shaw are perty. You seen their hair stylists? Are they fucking wearing eye liner? Why did this happen? How did this happen? PLEASE tell us who we can blame for this atrocity so we can dump nail polish remover over their head and set them alight. The problem is not that they are handsome devils; it’s that, unlike other handsome fellas (Evan Dando, us) they seem to care a lot about being handsome devils to the point of looking like busted-up-then-hastily-put-back-together pretty girls. Bret Michaels perfected this look in the 80s and ended up looking like a broke-ass version of Farah Fawcett.

When I see current pictures of The Kings, I think of Jennifer Aniston with a beard. It’s enough that I just wrote a paragraph about this. Are conspiracy theories about their boy band origins starting to be confirmed by their carefully manicured photo shoots? Are we supposed to care whether they are or are not the sons of nomadic bible-thumping parents? Too much to consider. Can you just stop blow drying your hair, fellas? Can you ease up on the frizz-ease? Thanks.

Bottom line: this is the band that wrote “Fans” and “Slow Night, So Long” and about 10 or 20 other awesome songs. They have made four stellar records, each bringing them to another awesome place within rock n roll and the 1-2-3-4 ball punch of “Crawl”, “Sex on Fire”, “Use Somebody” and “Manhattan” on the new album, “Only By The Night”, is pretty freakin great. We’re still not really sure how they sold out Madison Square Garden, but, then again, it’s better than watching the Knicks fans cheer while Kobe ices them for 61 points.

Towards a General Theory of Everything