Thursday, February 19, 2009

How To: Smuggle Whiskey

Put your hands together for She Hate Me's Guide To Smuggling in Booze. If this is not relevant to you, perhaps you should be home watching live music DVDs rather than venturing out and keeping it real. REAL DRUNK. 

The Town Hall is one of our favorite venues in New York City.  It’s a stately old theatre that is cozy and not too large (1,300 capacity) and there is not a bad seat in the house.  They get some very good acts here and the only real drawback with the place is that you can’t bring your cold brew to your seat.  We are getting too old to slam six pints in an hour at some horrible midtown McDrinky’s, so we’ve got a bit of a dilemma on our hands here.  This dilemma is easily solved, however, my industrious friends, by bringing your own whiskey. This too is not allowed, but we are here to help you sneak these libations into the venue so you can comfortably take in the show while keeping your insides warm. You might be thinking that someone too old to do a power hour is also too old to be smuggling whiskey into shows.  Point taken.  Despite your criticism, here are the best ways to smuggle whiskey past suspecting security personnel.  You’re welcome.

1. The Waistband Technique.  For those with extra room in the waistband of their trousers, we recommend this simple method of concealment only at places like The Town Hall, where the staff is civilized, cultured, reasonable and unsuspecting.  This is the same place that hosts the “Broadway by Year” series, during which, SHOWTUNES are performed, so you can guess that they generally don’t have experience in dealing with animals like ourselves trying to sneak a fifth of Jim Beam in the waistband of our trousers.  As such, if you simply make small talk with the middle aged fella at the door while buttoning your red velvet smoking jacket, it should be enough to avoid raising red flags and get your contraband into the venue.

2. The Giant Sando Method.  Any self-respecting establishment (not Yankee Stadium, where fascist goons treat you like a lab rat in Gitmo) within the tri-state area is familiar with the greasy goodness of an Italian combo hero wrapped in white deli paper, taped with masking tape and scrolled with a magic marker price tag (we use the market price of $6.50).  If you substitute the Italian combo with a bottle of Jame-O, you will be rewarded when you get through the door and realize that a bottle of whiskey is A LOT to drink in one evening.  You will offer to share said whiskey with the same friends that just derided you as a degenerate drunk five minutes prior, which will give you great personal satisfaction.  This method has been tried, tested and perfected by my younger brother, who is really the Christopher Columbus of whiskey smuggling.

3. The Diversion.  This method requires the help of a friend and works best when said friend is dressed nattily in a suit purchased from Sy Syms.  Make sure your buddy is a respectable looking chap that could pass as a City Bureaucrat or Abe Lincoln.  The idea here is to have The Great Emancipator go in after you, with the concealed whiskey in his work bag surrounded and buried by work memos and the “Dining In” section of the New York Times.  As you enter first, be sure to be drinking a bottle of Coke, which the doorman will not let you bring in.  You will feign ignorance, chide yourself for being so silly and politely ask if you can just finish your beverage.  He will usually comply with your request.  This entire negotiation generally takes about 10 seconds, which is plenty of time for Abe to half-open his bag, smile, wave at the doorman and enter the venue with little to no scrutiny.

4. The Spicy Brown Method.  Empty the mustard from a Gulden’s new age squirt bottle.  Clean and rinse.  Fill with your favorite whiskey.  Squirt into your mouth, like Hemingway would a bota of Spanish wine. Concealment is clearly more difficult, but putting it in your pocket might actually do it, as very few security personnel will suspect that anyone would sink to such a level just to get drunk.  A shampoo bottle works just as well, but it lacks the kick you get from the residual spicy mustard, as well as the ease-of-use of the squirt bottle container.


No comments: