Towards a General Theory of Everything: Why Do You Do This To Me?

What It Is We're Doing Here

This is a place where I post anything my friends and I feel is relevant to the music we like. The kind of music in question can be seen pretty easily by checking out the playlists posted. I post a playlist every month and regular record reviews. By regular I mean 'when I get the chance'.

It is my sincere hope that any reviews or commentary you read here will not remind you at all of reviews you can read in Rolling Stone or Pitchfork or NME or any number of other professional music reviewers.

Why? Because for the most part, those reviews are just really, really boring and they kill the fun of music. No one (aside from guys who write those reviews) sits around with their friends and mentions how 'the deeply melodic tempo shifts emanating from the counter-intuitive and soulfully rhythmic jazz fusion guitar lifts us to incomparable ...'

Incomparable heights of bullshit, maybe. Not gonna happen here. (I didn't tell you this, but I still visit Pitchfork every day, but only for the articles, yeah.)

It would be a lie if I said there will be respect for a variety of musical tastes here, there will be no such thing. Some music, no matter how popular it is, just sucks. That doesn't mean this is a haven of indie rock snobbery by any means. There's plenty of well-regarded indie shit out there that is just fucking awful. Grizzly Bear, I'm pointing at you and nodding my head.

Really there are no limits to the kind of music we'll listen to, so anything goes. Forward on anything worthy that has not been discussed in enough detail.

If we miss something newsworthy or get something wrong, let us know. If you agree or disagree with an opinion here, let us know. It will not change said opinion, but you will probably feel better than if you kept it in. So go ahead.

How I Rate Music

When I post my thoughts on a record, I use the standard 1-5 stars format for a couple of reasons: 1) It works just as well as anything else and 2) Most people use an iPod, I rate my songs on my iPod, the iPod has a 1-5 star ratings system and therefore it's a common language to both of us.

Here is how I define my ratings:

5 Stars: Totally awesome. A great song. Permanent favorite. Think 'Fans' by Kings of Leon (before the hairstylists), 'Mahgeeta' by MMJ, 'Fight Test' by the Flaming Lips, that sort of thing. A rare rating, though.

4 Stars: Very good. I'll listen to this song again and again, I'm happy I bought it, I will refer to it in conversation as 'one of the songs I like on that album'.

3 Stars: Just OK. Nothing wrong here, it's just not that memorable and maybe if I listened to it three or four times I'd like it, but if it was really that good, I shouldn't have to, so that brings us full circle and therefore it is 'Just OK'.

2 Stars: Irritating. A bad song. This rating means something is really wrong here, and perhaps we should sit down.

1 Star: A sin against music. Why did you record this? Do you not have any friends who listened to this with you and said 'Wow, this is incredibly, incredibly bad'? This is the kind of song that totally pisses me off when I hear it.

A few songs almost automatically fall into 1 or 2 star category, in particular the trend gaining popularity with bands to once again put one minute snippets of music or horrible noise on an album. Spiritualized, I am talking to YOU. 'Harmony 6 (Glockenspiel)'? I mean, fuck you.

How I Make Playlists

Any 4 or 5 star song usually ends up on a monthly playlist. If an album is so good that it has more than three or four songs that warrant being added to a playlist (ie Windmill, Deer Tick), I'll space the songs out and put them on a subsequent month's playlist.

Playlists are generally 35 songs or so. Any more than that and you'll just never listen to some of them, any less and you'll just get bored because there's not enough music. I realize this makes no sense, I really just needed an arbitrary cutoff, so 35 it is.

Monday, February 16, 2009

Why Do You Do This To Me?

See that? It's an example of how to tie a noose. Why is it here? Because I often think of it whenever bands do the things that bands do that are totally annoying and completely inexplicable. Examples to follow, NATURALLY, but these do tend to fill me with rage and/or make me ponder whether my iPod headphone cord would support my weight from the shower curtain rod.

Uppermost in my mind are these incredibly stupid, fucking awful songs under sixty seconds that are just little snippets of music or even one chord playing over and over. Why would you do this? What is the point? What could you possibly be thinking? No one likes this. It is not going to be something that anyone recalls. No one. It is not artistic, it is not cool, there is nothing awesome or interesting about it. It's selfish, it costs us 99 cents if we buy your entire lousy album, so seriously, fuck off already.

Biggest offender: Spiritualized, clocking in with FOUR GODDAMN SONGS under a minute long. You pretentious pricks, how dare you. Even the names make me want to ring up the Ancient Circle of Ballpunchery and have them pay you a visit: Harmony 1 (Mellotron), Harmony 2 (Piano), Harmony 3 (Voice) and ... wait for it ... Harmony 6 (Glockenspiel)!!! Holy fucking shit are you guys assholes.

This kind of thing makes me completely furious, and these songs automatically get a 1 star rating, meaning they are a disgrace to music. They fill me with intense loathing for the band that has done this to me, and make me inclined to never buy another thing they put out. I am done with Spiritualized, even though their last record was a gift. I am boycotting them on behalf of the girl who bought it for me.

Other notable recent offenders are Beirut, Okkervil River (funny, they didn't seem like assholes), and Andrew Bird (clearly trying to overcompensate for his regrettable Squirrel Nut Zippers period). This practice goes against all that is holy and if you do it, you are declaring your allegiance to Satan and your hatred of freedom. You are also admitting you stock your album with bullshit and are artistically bankrupt. And you just may cause me to start testing out that shower curtain, and you don't want that on your hands.

1 comment:

Unknown said...: Guided By Voices did this often. For some reason it works.; February 18, 2009 at 3:12 PM

Towards a General Theory of Everything