Monday, February 16, 2009

Why Do You Do This To Me?

See that? It's an example of how to tie a noose. Why is it here? Because I often think of it whenever bands do the things that bands do that are totally annoying and completely inexplicable. Examples to follow, NATURALLY, but these do tend to fill me with rage and/or make me ponder whether my iPod headphone cord would support my weight from the shower curtain rod. 

Uppermost in my mind are these incredibly stupid, fucking awful songs under sixty seconds that are just little snippets of music or even one chord playing over and over. Why would you do this? What is the point? What could you possibly be thinking? No one likes this. It is not going to be something that anyone recalls. No one. It is not artistic, it is not cool, there is nothing awesome or interesting about it. It's selfish, it costs us 99 cents if we buy your entire lousy album, so seriously, fuck off already.

Biggest offender: Spiritualized, clocking in with FOUR GODDAMN SONGS under a minute long. You pretentious pricks, how dare you. Even the names make me want to ring up the Ancient Circle of Ballpunchery and have them pay you a visit: Harmony 1 (Mellotron), Harmony 2 (Piano), Harmony 3 (Voice) and ... wait for it ... Harmony 6 (Glockenspiel)!!! Holy fucking shit are you guys assholes.

This kind of thing makes me completely furious, and these songs automatically get a 1 star rating, meaning they are a disgrace to music. They fill me with intense loathing for the band that has done this to me, and make me inclined to never buy another thing they put out. I am done with Spiritualized, even though their last record was a gift. I am boycotting them on behalf of the girl who bought it for me. 

Other notable recent offenders are Beirut, Okkervil River (funny, they didn't seem like assholes), and Andrew Bird (clearly trying to overcompensate for his regrettable Squirrel Nut Zippers period). This practice goes against all that is holy and if you do it, you are declaring your allegiance to Satan and your hatred of freedom. You are also admitting you stock your album with bullshit and are artistically bankrupt. And you just may cause me to start testing out that shower curtain, and you don't want that on your hands. 

1 comment:

Mark said...

Guided By Voices did this often. For some reason it works.